SORRY I HAVE BEEN LOST IN TIME BUT.............

Last week I woke up and decided that I hate the feeling of blah, and I have choose to step it up and get back to pleasing myself and only myself. I don't really watch what I eat, I just watch how much I eat. I don't keep track of calories consumed because well I basically sat down a few days and wrote down EVERY calorie and fat information on all the foods I consume in my home and while out to eat. All though I am eating the same foods as I used to, I have become more aware of how to make more healthier. And I am aware of the calorie intake (from those 3 days of hard work studying my food!) 

Does the way I am doing it work? That has yet to be seen. Like I said I just put it in my mind that yes I am worth this and yes nothing will stop me now! My body is killing me and I have managed to do things in the last 2 days that I never in my life thought of doing before. There is a fire lite inside me and I refuse to let the flame go out this time. I may have to listen to my body on some days when it has had to much but it WILL NOT stop me from getting back up and moving around.

I recently witnessed the miracle of God's good, and I fully believe  he is my source of strength today. I am not a religious person, heck I haven't been to church since I was a child. I even gave up on God when my life turned to ruins, cursed his name and ran him to Hell. But for some reason he has never gave up on me, Although I lost 2 of the greatest gifts he gave me, he has recently saw the good in me and has returned them to my life. After 12 years of separation from my first born, to my surprise she was sitting behind me on some bleachers last Sat. and I didn't even know it! Until she asked me what my 2 year old's name was and kept asking me questions about me and my kids. She knew who I was, but I think she was afraid to say something, she knew what her baby sister's name was, its unique and no one else has that name.

When I thought to myself man this girl is nosy, and I asked her, her name she told me and my heart fell to the ground in disbelief and the tears just flowed right out of me. I prayed for the day we would meet again, I dreamed for it to be more magical then what it was. But that moment in my life was destined by God's will, and could have never been planned. So you see when I say I witnessed God's good, this is it.

God is granting me the strength to get my life back, and that includes everything I have ever longed for. I am on my way to happy healthy life.

SO MUCH STRESS, BUT STILL FOCUSED ON MY GOALS

Yes I am still focused on my goals, but I have been under some tremendous stress lately. All these kids just don't understand the amount of weight, physically, emotionally, and mentally I have to deal with. And with them causing more stress then I would like to deal with, only leads me to stand in front of the fridge searching for something to gorge on. I just don't understand why life can't be easy, why kids can not act like leave it to beaver lol. Boy how life would be so smooth going at that point!
Well on the positive side of things I have ordered my body bug today, yes the money fairy visited me last night! Oh how I love the money fairy lol I also got me some work out shoes. I plan to get my gym membership on Monday, even if I have to go work out late at night when someone is here to watch my kids. I am also going to try this new Jullian Micheals Jump Start Program. And see how that might help me. I am willing to try anything, I am even going to see about the wey-protein the contestants drink on Biggest Loser. I am telling you I am at my last straw with this weight, and I plan on doing everything possible to get this fat off my body and start feeling good about myself again! And I will tell you this NOTHING IS GOING TO STOP ME FROM DOING IT! Even if I battle this on my own with no support from family and friends, I am still going to do this for the one person that matters the most, ME!!!

IT HAS BEEN A BUSY WEEK

WOW  It has been a busy week. With school starting and getting into the swing of things it is amazing that I am sitting here writing this right now. I can say that I do have a lot of work to be doing lol but I wanted to take the minute to let my followers know what is going on in my world. 
My son is coming home on the 6th of Feb. I had to send him to his grandmothers because he was acting out very badly back in Oct. well his behavior has not changed at all so now he is coming back here. My plan is to get him in to anger management therepy. He is so angry at his dad that he really has no idea how to control it. I think some home school or private school would help him as well. I think that it is to much authority figure in his life that he just doesn't know who to listen to. He has lack of respect for anybody. Which seems to be a tread with a lot of kids these days. And where do we figure out that changed from back in the day when we were not aloud to disrespect authority, now they do it and get away with it. Well not my son, not no more. I am putting a BIG hult to that shit!
Now lets get on to my soon to be 14 year old daughter, who has an attitude from hell over lord only knows what. The other night she got really mad at me because her bff stole  her boyfriend (I don't approve of this age dating I might add, but the adopted parents, well are not me) so she procceeds to get irate because I was not talking to her, I was talking to my mom on the phone instead. And she began sending me messages telling me to F*&^ off calling me a bitch and a cunt, then was trying to hurt my feelings by saying "she is more of a mom cause she has been there for me and you haven't". That might of hurt a little but I responded back to her, "I am gratful for her being there when I couldn't and it wasn't like I didn't want to be there all this time, it was that I was not allowed to be!"
Well let me tell you this, I bought her phone, and I sure as hell turned the damn thing off! Now she is really pissed at me! And you know what I don't care right now. I will not allow anybody to speak to me the way she did, and that includes my children. And she will learn that, and if she can't respect me then it is her loss and not mine. Because I know I did not do anything to her, and I did not deserve to be spoke to like that. 
Well I have been busy with school this week and I am sure it is going to be days gone by that I don't make a post, but just know that this weight is ALWAYS on my mind so I am ALWAYS going to have something to come post at some point lol 
I am still at 280 pounds, that is 4 pounds lost since I began my journey......which reminds me I need to look up what day that was I forgot! lol

TRYING TIMES AS A MOTHER.................

So last night my two year old daughter is playing in her room and I start smelling this foul smell I thought to myself "this can't be good". Of course it wasn't, she had her diaper off and was playing in her poop. She had it smooshed in her hands and on her face, I am praying that she did not eat it. I cannot believe that she had done this. And the feeling of disgust just overwhelmed me. 
Well, tonight came along and guess what??? Yup you got it she did it again! This time she put her poop in her pony purse (purse that holds her toy pony) and brought it out to me. I am so frustrated with this behavior. And every time I think about it I picture her in a psyche ward somewhere smearing her poop on the walls and eating it! I don't want to think these things about my baby girl, and I have no idea how to stop her from doing this. 
I am beyond my breaking point here. I am going to call her doctor tomorrow get her in to be "seen". But first I think she needs a little visit with her grandma to give me some time to myself. I think right now I really need it before school starts, which is Sunday I might add. So even more stress on my shoulders. I will be so relieved to get her past these toddler stages!

Now on to the weight loss............
I found it kinda hard to splurdge last night when all my 2 year old wanted to eat was apples and oranges. I think sometimes I am blessed with times like these when she is such a good inspiration (regardless of the above). She really is keeping me on my toes and not letting me fall off the wagon (so to speak). I really wanted cherry pie filling and whipped cream, but I settled for the apples and oranges with her lol. I think it was a good choice on my part. 
I weighed myself yesterday and it said 278 pounds I think, can't really remember. However when I rechecked it this morning it said 281 so I guess that is 3 pounds down. And the only reason I weighed myself this morning was because I couldn't remember what it said yesterday. I still am not a fan of the scale, maybe one day that will change????
I loved the Biggest Loser show last night. I think I am rooting for the white team, but I got a sneaky feeling that they are not going to make it that far. Now the Red Team.....that lady is going to ruin it for her husband, and that is completely sad because he really wants to change. I just don't think that she see's herself has needing the change, I think she just wants him on the show for a chance to win the prize-money. I guess we will see how it all unfolds.

KARMA.........AND YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT!

As I laid in my bed lastnight trying to go to sleep I was thinking about the changes I am making in my life and why I have sought out to make them. And one of the biggest reasons is the thing hanging from my mid section-called a tummy. It so grosses me out, it truly does. Then I got to thinking about all the "things hanging" from mid sections that I have seen in my life and thought to myself at the moment "lord please dont ever let me get like that". Well what do you that shit came back 2x's fold cause this damn thing is HUGE!

So yeah people, you better believe in Karma and start practicing the need to not say shit about other people that you REALLY don't want to happen to you! Don't even think it, cause it will still happen!

I want so badly to get rid of this stomach and these huge ass boobs that everybody seems to think is damn blessing. Well let me tell all you people out there that want boobs that are so huge and a waste of skin, that it is NOT what you think it is like! Let's start with the back aches, or the whole can't find a bra to fit. How about the itchy skin, and the dry nipples. I scratch so hard I tear my skin because these damn things are so huge and the skin drys out quicker then I can put lotion on. I have the constant fear of finding lumps and then being diagnosed with Breast Cancer. Now there is a new Breast Cancer that resides on the outer layers of the breast around the nipple area, which causes dry skin and itching and irritation....so what do you think that makes me think when all this happens??
  
I would love to wear a strapless dress for my wedding, but you know that isn't going to happen! Or hell even fit a shirt that would look nice without these HUGE mounds hanging in the front for the world to notice. And the sexual looks, and comments are enough to make me throw up! Come on people don't you see BIG BREAST are EVIL, PURE EVIL to have! And your wondering where the Karma is in this incident, well my mother has HUGE breast too, and I and alot of other people in the family, teased her about her boobs, making Dolly Parton comments and shit. There you go, Karma on my ass again! WTH???

So you better believe in Karama that is all I got to say, and watch what you think and say or joke and tease other people about because eventually I promise you it will come back and bite you in the ass! (or grow in places you really don't want it to.)

And I want to take a more positive approach and tell you to please recognize all the women, and men who are suffering from the evil disease of BREAST CANCER support them, pray for them, and never forget that it could happen to you or someone you love and care about.

This is the beginning of a long journey.............

This is the beginning of a long journey for me. I am 31 years old. And I have topped the scale at 284 pounds as of January 1, 2010. I have managed to disgust myself in ways I never imagined. I cannot stand to look at myself in the mirror. I cannot wear regular clothes anymore, I am officially a fat bitch who wears nothing but sweats and t-shirts.
I never imagined I would ever be this big. The torment inside myself is so over powering that it just screams every time I move. I have this huge fat thing called a stomach hanging on me and it is so disgusting! I wish I could cut it off. I can only imagine how I must look to other people. If my own skin makes me sick, it must make other people sick to look at it too.
And don't even get me started on these boobs, what the hell did I do so wrong to get this body? I used to look so hot before I had kids. Before............well yeah duh of course I looked hot, I took extreme measures to make sure I looked so good! I gagged myself and starved myself to death to get that body! But all the therapy and shit I went through to get over that shit, telling me food was not the evil, my habits were, what the hell where those people telling me! Shit, look at me know, food is my freaking friend! A friend I no longer wish to have! A friend I am sure I would want to live without these days.
So with the new year coming around I decided like everybody else that makes a resolution, to start something of my own, and that is A LIFE CHANGE, NOT A DIET! My life change will include a change in habits such as:
Staying up late, sleeping in til past noon-would change to going to bed by 10pm and up by 9am. Using the F bomb every time I open my mouth-would change to not saying it at all.
Not eating breakfast at all and only eating one meal a day-would change to eating a harty breakfast, medium lunch, and a balanced dinner, with a few snacks in between.
Yelling at the kids-would change to speaking one time and one time only to do what I say! lol and making more time with them to do things they want to do instead of sitting and watching movies all day long.
Being lazy-would change to getting off my ass and get motivated to exercise and help around the house more.
All these would be a start. I am focused on myself and my weight, I need to focus on these things or else I will continue to be the big blob I am today. I want to take things one step at a time, a slow pace.
My GOAL FOR JANUARY IS TO LOSE 10 POUNDS.
MY GOAL FOR THE YEAR IS TO LOSE AT THE LEAST 60 POUNDS AT THE MOST 100 POUNDS.
I don't want to be skinny, I just want to be healthy and comfortable in my own skin. I want to feel secure enough to wear the first set of clothes I put on and not have to change into the comfy sweats I feel secure in.
So here it is, me in my first blog, set out here for the world to see, I am on a journey, a journey of peace within my body, and if you want would like to follow me on this journey, support me, encourage me, and cheer me on, then I would love to have you here! Welcome to my life! :)